Sunday, April 5, 2015

Caged

Where to start? It's probably not hard to get that I have written/published nothing in the last year. Or, to be more specific, it's going to be a year in 2 weeks. You see, I wanted to catch up in time, it sounds better to say that you've abandoned your blog for "almost a year" than saying "a whole year.

To be honest, it wasn't writer's block that made me pause my endeavors. Hell, I can't even consider myself a writer, thus I can't call it a writer's block or writer's wall to begin with.

The main thing that negated my writing abilites or -better said- my passion to express things which I was too shy to say with the people around me is twofold.

On the one hand, life as a senior took it's toll and has been relentlessly trying to make me go mad with work. I may have my work cut out for me, as all students my age in Greece have, but the strange thing is that one of my life aims has sucessfully been completed. I'm now 18 years old, I have the ability to go and study anything I can dream of in Germany (they'd call my student status as "Abiturient" there) and I could get a scolarship for my studies, since my grades are way far from being average, at least considering German standards. I could practically drop everything and everyone and leave, I'm free, but why do I choose to stay? I could bid my relationship, my family and my friends adieu and never look back and, still, I'd be fine. Most people would kill for that kind of opportunity. But as comforting as that is, I can't see myself leaving Greece. And I can't see myself quiting my endeavors for the Greek exams that allow university studies here.

When one chapter of your life has had its finishing line written for, you either shit yourself, because you're afraid of the unknown or you count your losses and move on. I feel like I'm in that crossroad and no direction seems tempting to me.

On the other hand -so that I don't get extremely off topic- I haven't written in a while, since I have grown with time. I don't need to psychoanalyse myself through my writing anymore. That's not to say that I won't write occasionally on here, but it's going to be mostly about stuff that make me tick. One time I may report about some crazy new gadget that makes my mouth water. Or talk about something I heard a person say. Nevertheless I'm still going to be me, but the wrapper's changed. By that you can tell that the main reason why I've stopped writing is that I'm secure now. I used writing as a way to justify my traits, myself. As a way to qualify myself further. I'd been caged in my own lifestyle and I couldn't do anything but observe the world inside my safezone. Sure, I still have loads of things to do and "heaps" of soul-searching to undergo, as one old friend would have said.

If I had to talk to myself from a year ago I'd probably kick me in the balls. If I had to see myself from 6 years ago, I wouldn't recognise me and if I had to choose my future lifestyle, I'd probably be in denial.