Saturday, April 25, 2015

Endless Flow

I was planning on writing and publishing this post yesterday, but as soon as I had time on my hands I was in a loss for words. I guess being inspired to write plays a very important role in the quantity and quality of what you have to say. In that sense, there wouldn't be any better -or worst- time to do that. As most of you don't know, my dad was terminally sick with multiple sclerosis, which meant that each day was a struggle for him. But this struggle, though very hard on us all, ended today. My dad died. I have spent most of the day crying my eyes out, mostly about the fickleness of life and the vanity of existence, which wasn't only due to my father's early death. I guess I should start from the beginning.

Yesterday I spent most of my time studying or watching some silly YouTube videos, as any guy my age would probably do. Around 6(-ish) pm the doorbell rung. As I knew that nor I nor any other family member was expecting any sort of company I felt reluctant and apprehensive while opening the door. There stood a guy, who was around 27, who asked for my mother. I showed him inside and we waited for her to arrive, since I wasn't going to let a stranger sit around in the living room of the house without any companion there to supervise. Even before my mom came he made some sort of introduction as to who he was. He was a guy my mom used to tutor in maths and physics and he came by to visit, since he hadn't talked to her in a while. He was getting back temporarily from a town outside my own, where we has stationed as a soldier.

Before going any further I should mention that the Greek military only appears valiant on paper. Since Greece is really near to the Middle East, we are always war-ready, but as I said before...war-ready on paper. Each and every male under 35 is legally bound to attend the army for 9 months or less. In my case I'm due to serve for 6, since our father was handicapped and being the oldest I was the one who should be there for the family, according to Greek society rules. Thus, I was to be relieved from my army duties earlier than my brother, who has to serve for 9 months.

The guy I'm talking about here, was just a normal guy having his civil responsibilities make him attend. Even after my mom came, he was blabbering about the terrors of stupid army people and the animal-like conditions of living in a barrack. He hated every second of it and he hoped we could at least keep busy reading books in his time there. This caused a storm of emotions from me, although I don't mind going to the army, as I did before, I'm still not fond of the idea. I'm of the opinion that life is a delicate endless flow running down an electric wire. So having your fate be dictated by the goverment feels wrong, even though that kind of repression is nowhere near the conditions in other parts of the world. It's only logical that after the conversation I was pondering about my future and how I should put my affairs in order.

Fast-forward a day later, I am woken up by mother screaming incoherently in Greek.
-I don't detect a pulse. No, that can't be happening. Fuck fuck fuck.
I considered my surroundings and realized that the vibrations on the ground seemed to have their source be at my dad's room. I stood up and ran to the down stairs living room since my mom was there with my twin brother and uncle. I felt that talking would only make my mom desparate to protect her "baby boy's feelings" so I just sat on a big ivory table we have and waited. My uncle soon explained how my dad wasn't breathing properly and how they've already called an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived my mom was screaming a very desperate yet poetic word. " Έσβησε; "

That roughly translated to "did he fade away?".

I saw the look in my mom's face when the bad news were delivered to her. At least what I saw through my own tears was resignation. It was the first time I saw that fierce fearless woman who only got nervous around computers get so idle. I bet most of that doesn't matter to most, but something completely different cracks inside of you when you see someone giving up on the joys of life.

Soon many people - neighbors or otherwise- came to express their condolences and every "he's restin' in Heaven now" made me want to punch something. I don't really believe in the afterlife. People become dead organic matte, much like manure. Manure becomes nitic oxides. Nitric oxides are absorbed my flowers and plants so they can grow. I think I'll go with my theory. My dad's going to be a flower soon. At least that's what I thought of as I helped bring the casket with him in it down the stairs and into the car that was going to bring him to the funeral home. It all sound so fake, so unreal yet so maccabre.

In the end, what I've learned might actually not be the vanity of our plans, but the truth in the most ridiculous phrase in existence. YOLO. Or, you know, Carpe diem.